At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I feel I must express our gratitude to everyone. Even people who don't know us well have reached out to us for support. We definitely feel the love and prayers from everyone. We recognize the blessings are in abundance in our lives now, and to say we are thankful is inadequate at best.
Today Jake received his first major dose of chemo. Not that I expected him to experience the side effects quickly, but I'm amazed at how well he did. He did mention that he had some nausea and loss of appetite at dinner. For those of you who know Jake, you know that he NEVER has a loss of appetite! In fact, Jake has a not-so-secret love affair with delicious food. Then again, hospital food is not delicious so maybe I don't blame him.
Things on my end have changed a bit as well. For example, I went to the store in sweats. In the middle of the day. (don't judge) I also recently went to the store in my workout clothes. In my defense, I had just worked out and that was painfully obvious, but the fact that I said I'd never do that made it extremely hard to swallow my pride and go buy our much needed items.
Other things that have changed are as follows:
1) I'm exhausted. It's not to say that I'm not exhausted on a somewhat regular basis (I do have a very active toddler, after all), but I haven't experienced this kind of exhaustion in quite some time. It's an emotional, deep kind of exhaustion that is extremely hard to explain.
2) I cry now. A lot. And publicly. I've always been the type to stifle my emotions, but I just can't now. And you know what? My tears lately are less of the sad kind, but more of the overwhelmed kind of gratitude. I'm not sure why this has been my reaction, but it makes it difficult to deny the work of the Lord in our lives.
It's not to say that I don't have sadness, because I do. But I also have a lot of hope and a lot of faith. Jake and I have been talking a lot about it lately as we've (mostly Jake) received a lot of comments on such a positive attitude and our ability to deal with our situation. The fact is, we have a choice. We can either be angry and frustrated and depressed, or we can recognize that we have an amazing team of providers and the support of so many people to help us make it through this thing. With that recognition, it's hard not to be optimistic or even somewhat excited about the long road ahead of us. Did I just say excited? I did, because we know that we have this amazing opportunity to rely completely on God, to learn the things that we are meant to learn in this life, and to build strength in our relationships with each other and with all of you. Now, I fully expect that excitement to dissipate at some time, especially when things get nasty and Jake feels like death warmed over, but right now it's how I feel. And I'm excited to GET OUR LIFE BACK!
I hope and pray that we are able to hold onto the strength that we feel right now. Knowing Jake, he will. Something I've come to learn and love about him is that he's the type that never lets anything get him down. He will continue to laugh throughout this. He will even continue to joke around and find the benefits to his situation. (Tonight he said something to the effect of "Yeah, the chemo is going to suck, but if it gets me better, I'm totally okay with that.") Admittedly, it makes me feel inadequate because I am supposed to be his strength when he goes through this, but he is mine. He is the reason I am where I am emotionally in this thing.
I'm anxious to get this thing done. I'll continue to update as possible, though I suspect eventually my posts will slow down. I also suspect the tone may change at some time. We love you all! We appreciate everything you do!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
The C-word
Leukemia. It's amazing how much that little word has changed our life. It's only been two days since the diagnosis, and I'm still trying to comprehend really what this means, but I do know that things aren't going to be the same. At least not for a while.
You are always aware of the possibility that cancer can happen to anyone, but you never truly think it will happen to you. You especially never think that the love of your life is going to be affected by it, and that the road ahead is going to be extremely long and hard. But as was confirmed on Friday, it really can happen to anyone.
On Friday, Jake was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). This is a very aggressive form of leukemia, and while it's quite common as far as childhood leukemias, it's very rare as an adult. To add insult to injury, Jake also tested positive for the Philidelphia Chromosome, which means that he will need a bone marrow transplant. We were really hoping that this wasn't the case, but it is what it is and you have to play the cards you're dealt. I never really understood what a loved one goes through when hearing that a spouse or child or other close friend or family member is dealing with a new diagnosis such as this. Honestly, I'm not sure I understand what I'm going through now. Some of the thoughts that have gone through my mind are such:
"No way. Those tests have to be wrong. My husband is healthy!"
"What the hell am I supposed to do if he dies?"
"A month in the hospital?! Are you kidding me?!"
"Does this mean no more babies?"
"How are we going to pay for all of this?" and then that's followed by "Does it matter? Jake's more important than the money. We'll figure something out."
Of course, that's a very condensed and scattered list of some of the things I've thought. My thought process through this whole thing has been much less than organized. And it turns out that we may not have anymore babies, depending on how things go between now and the transplant. After the transplant, it will be certain that we will not have anymore. But that's jumping too far ahead.
Right now I know this: Jake starts chemotherapy today. He will be in the hospital for the next month, with the goal of putting the leukemia into remission. At that point, he'll likely go through another phase of treatment once or twice, preparing his body for the transplant. The transplant requires another 6 weeks of hospitalization. The risks of the transplant are scary, but if everything goes well, in 6 years we will be able to say he is cured.
I'm incredibly heartbroken over his diagnosis. Honestly, if anything happened to him I'd be lost. I'm confident, however, that he has what it takes to beat this thing, and I'll be standing behind him the whole way. And even more than that, I know he has an army of some of the most amazing people I've ever met cheering him on the whole way. We are so incredibly blessed by the amount of love and support we have received over the past couple of days. I don't know what I would do without it.
Jake: You made a promise to me right before we headed out to the hospital. You promised me that you were coming home. I look forward to having you back here, because even watching our shows is incredibly lonely without you. I love you so incredibly much. I know that we have so much more to experience together, and I'm excited to get started living our life again. This is but a temporary delay. I promised to be there in sickness or in health. I never anticipated sickness would be this, but I'm not backing down. In the meantime, I look forward to our romantic strolls around the hall in your Bane mask. ;) ILY FOREVER! NEVER GIVE UP!!!
On Friday, Jake was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). This is a very aggressive form of leukemia, and while it's quite common as far as childhood leukemias, it's very rare as an adult. To add insult to injury, Jake also tested positive for the Philidelphia Chromosome, which means that he will need a bone marrow transplant. We were really hoping that this wasn't the case, but it is what it is and you have to play the cards you're dealt. I never really understood what a loved one goes through when hearing that a spouse or child or other close friend or family member is dealing with a new diagnosis such as this. Honestly, I'm not sure I understand what I'm going through now. Some of the thoughts that have gone through my mind are such:
"No way. Those tests have to be wrong. My husband is healthy!"
"What the hell am I supposed to do if he dies?"
"A month in the hospital?! Are you kidding me?!"
"Does this mean no more babies?"
"How are we going to pay for all of this?" and then that's followed by "Does it matter? Jake's more important than the money. We'll figure something out."
Of course, that's a very condensed and scattered list of some of the things I've thought. My thought process through this whole thing has been much less than organized. And it turns out that we may not have anymore babies, depending on how things go between now and the transplant. After the transplant, it will be certain that we will not have anymore. But that's jumping too far ahead.
Right now I know this: Jake starts chemotherapy today. He will be in the hospital for the next month, with the goal of putting the leukemia into remission. At that point, he'll likely go through another phase of treatment once or twice, preparing his body for the transplant. The transplant requires another 6 weeks of hospitalization. The risks of the transplant are scary, but if everything goes well, in 6 years we will be able to say he is cured.
I'm incredibly heartbroken over his diagnosis. Honestly, if anything happened to him I'd be lost. I'm confident, however, that he has what it takes to beat this thing, and I'll be standing behind him the whole way. And even more than that, I know he has an army of some of the most amazing people I've ever met cheering him on the whole way. We are so incredibly blessed by the amount of love and support we have received over the past couple of days. I don't know what I would do without it.
Jake: You made a promise to me right before we headed out to the hospital. You promised me that you were coming home. I look forward to having you back here, because even watching our shows is incredibly lonely without you. I love you so incredibly much. I know that we have so much more to experience together, and I'm excited to get started living our life again. This is but a temporary delay. I promised to be there in sickness or in health. I never anticipated sickness would be this, but I'm not backing down. In the meantime, I look forward to our romantic strolls around the hall in your Bane mask. ;) ILY FOREVER! NEVER GIVE UP!!!
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