Chemo and Changes

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I feel I must express our gratitude to everyone. Even people who don't know us well have reached out to us for support. We definitely feel the love and prayers from everyone. We recognize the blessings are in abundance in our lives now, and to say we are thankful is inadequate at best.

Today Jake received his first major dose of chemo. Not that I expected him to experience the side effects quickly, but I'm amazed at how well he did. He did mention that he had some nausea and loss of appetite at dinner. For those of you who know Jake, you know that he NEVER has a loss of appetite! In fact, Jake has a not-so-secret love affair with delicious food. Then again, hospital food is not delicious so maybe I don't blame him.

Things on my end have changed a bit as well. For example, I went to the store in sweats. In the middle of the day. (don't judge) I also recently went to the store in my workout clothes. In my defense, I had just worked out and that was painfully obvious, but the fact that I said I'd never do that made it extremely hard to swallow my pride and go buy our much needed items.

Other things that have changed are as follows:
1) I'm exhausted. It's not to say that I'm not exhausted on a somewhat regular basis (I do have a very active toddler, after all), but I haven't experienced this kind of exhaustion in quite some time. It's an emotional, deep kind of exhaustion that is extremely hard to explain.
2) I cry now. A lot. And publicly. I've always been the type to stifle my emotions, but I just can't now. And you know what? My tears lately are less of the sad kind, but more of the overwhelmed kind of gratitude. I'm not sure why this has been my reaction, but it makes it difficult to deny the work of the Lord in our lives.

It's not to say that I don't have sadness, because I do. But I also have a lot of hope and a lot of faith. Jake and I have been talking a lot about it lately as we've (mostly Jake) received a lot of comments on such a positive attitude and our ability to deal with our situation. The fact is, we have a choice. We can either be angry and frustrated and depressed, or we can recognize that we have an amazing team of providers and the support of so many people to help us make it through this thing. With that recognition, it's hard not to be optimistic or even somewhat excited about the long road ahead of us. Did I just say excited? I did, because we know that we have this amazing opportunity to rely completely on God, to learn the things that we are meant to learn in this life, and to build strength in our relationships with each other and with all of you. Now, I fully expect that excitement to dissipate at some time, especially when things get nasty and Jake feels like death warmed over, but right now it's how I feel. And I'm excited to GET OUR LIFE BACK!

I hope and pray that we are able to hold onto the strength that we feel right now. Knowing Jake, he will. Something I've come to learn and love about him is that he's the type that never lets anything get him down. He will continue to laugh throughout this. He will even continue to joke around and find the benefits to his situation. (Tonight he said something to the effect of "Yeah, the chemo is going to suck, but if it gets me better, I'm totally okay with that.") Admittedly, it makes me feel inadequate because I am supposed to be his strength when he goes through this, but he is mine. He is the reason I am where I am emotionally in this thing.

I'm anxious to get this thing done. I'll continue to update as possible, though I suspect eventually my posts will slow down. I also suspect the tone may change at some time. We love you all! We appreciate everything you do!