Today Jake received his second IV dose of chemo. He continues to do well, and aside from a bit of nausea and feeling run down, he's tolerating it well. Tomorrow he gets an intrathecal (spinal) dose of methotrexate. I know that's definitely not one of his favorite parts, but he's still in great spirits about it. I'm still so in awe of him. I've honestly never met anyone as upbeat as he is, no matter the situation. He is amazing.
I had a friend mention tonight that in his observations over the past couple of days when he's come to visit, it appears that our marriage is stronger now than it ever has been before. I think he's probably right. Jake and I have an amazing marriage to begin with, but it's crazy how much stronger this thing has made it. It makes me realize how much we were meant to be together. I am so grateful for him.
Tonight some of the realities of his disease are really kicking in, and I'm tearful. I think we've been able to keep so busy over the past week that I've been able to focus on the fight, which is good, but I also need the time to grieve a little bit. I know it's healthy, and I know it's important to work through some of these things. I'm sad for lost vacation time, for fall activities that we were looking forward to that aren't a possibility anymore, and for simple things such as laying my head on his shoulder as we fall asleep. I'm also very sad about the strong likelihood that there will be no more babies for us, especially since I felt fairly strongly that I had one more in this lifetime. Of course, I don't know God's plan for me, and I'm trying to be patient and trust in Him and His timeline, but it's hard, especially since I really have no control over it. Sometimes I wish that I had Jake's positive outlook and confident attitude. I'm still confident that he'll make it through this and I'm trying to let that be my focus, but I still can't help but feel the sadness tonight.
All this being said, I still continue to be so grateful for all of the tender mercies that have been abundant in our lives. We truly have some of the most amazing friends and family that anyone could ever even hope for.
A fun sidenote: Jake's shirt says "ThaBadDawg Fighter (on back) Winner" My mom made that for him this weekend. I just love it. :)
Don't give up hope on having another baby! One of my aunts and uncle battled cancer when I was little and while he was on chemo she was able to get pregnant! We call Lexi their little miracle baby because the chances were very very low! Keep up the faith!
ReplyDeleteIt's not the chemo I worry about, it's the bone marrow transplant. The radiation will make it impossible for us to have more babies. :(
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