Monday, April 29, 2013
One Month Later (Warning: Depressing Post)
Well, it's been a month. It's definitely getting harder. I can't believe how much I miss him, and how much he's the first thought on my mind. I'm so upset that he's not here to see Ryan grow up and to help me through these hard times. I'm so angry about the baby issue and the fact that I've been robbed of a lifetime of happiness with my best friend. I'm stuck in time right now, and can't seem to see anything past dealing with things that have come as a result of Jake's death. The other day I mentioned that I choose to live, and I'm doing that to the best of my ability on most days. The problem is, living is just not the same. There's not the same level of satisfaction in life anymore. Lately all I've been able to do is take a "fake it til you make it" approach, and even that's not working right now. It almost feels like nothing is working in my favor, and that makes any desire to progress even more difficult. I know that most won't be able to understand what I'm saying at all, but those who've lost their spouse will get it, at least to a point. I miss him desperately. Although I was not dependent on him for my happiness, he brought a level of satisfaction to my life that I never could have asked for, and it was beyond anything I could have hoped for. I don't know what to do without him, and my heart breaks more every day (if that's even possible). My kids give me my reason for living so I would never act on anything, but for the first time in my life, I understand the appeal of ending it. I'm desperately lost, and don't know what to do. I hope at some point this begins to get easier, and I hope it happens soon.
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Jacoy, I knew this is two years later than when your husband died. Joy had told me that Tony had done a friend request, I was on the phone with Sally and I mentioned that to her. She told me she had talked to your mother and about your losing Jake to cancer. I read all of your blogs and my heart hurt for your pain and what you had to endure. I always knew that Rick would die young, even before we married and so we were both ready for it, plus there was no cure or chance to change his disease. My now husband lost his wife very suddenly, she died in his arms at the age of 50, I always have felt a death like hers or Jake's was much more tragic than Rick's death. You really express yourself beautifully. It really makes my heart sad to think of the great sorrow that you experienced. Hang in there, you are a powerful woman.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Julene! I appreciate your kind words. I haven't revisited this blog in a while... if you happen to see this response feel free to look me up on facebook! Please have Joy do the same! I haven't seen her in ages....
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